Running From Myself

While scanning my random collection of saved songs on Spotify, I was compelled to listen to “Running from Myself” by Zac Abel. It is amazing how reading the title brought back a flood of emotions.  My initial encounter with this upbeat, soulful song occurred during a difficult season in my life.  In those days, I was a supervisor in a clothing store.  Music echoed through the speakers of the building each day but this song stood out from the rest.  Take a listen…

 

This song met me when I was brokenhearted, disappointed, underpaid, unappreciated, overworked, and barely keeping my head above water.  I was dead inside.  I was a shell of the person I used to be.  I used to be the one encouraging others to trust God.  I used to be (fill in the blank), but I had no fight left in me.  A series of events left me feeling like the rug was literally ripped from under me.  The worst part was I felt abandoned by God.  I emphasized “felt” because God promised me in His Word that He would never leave me. Sadly, I believed this was no longer true.  Somehow, His promise applied to others but was not true for me.  Somehow, I plastered on a smile. Somehow, I got out of bed every day.  Somehow.  I know now, in my moments of great weakness and pain, God was closer than I could imagine.   

Reflecting on this song, I can envision myself folding a pile of shirts.  The beat would drop and then Zac’s voice filled the airwaves:

 

Ever feel like going somewhere else?

Away from all this chaos

I’ve been questioning my mental health

Praying for my day off

You give it all, but it’s never enough

I hold on but the day’s never done

Let me go yea, ‘cause I can’t go on

Running from myself, running from myself, running from myself

 

The words would shoot straight into my soul every time.  He was singing my life with his words but he was not killing me softly; he was actually challenging me and pleading with me to stop running from who I was created to be.  If I didn’t, I would stay in this cycle of merely existing.  I heard God’s voice in those moments too. He said, “this is not the life I have for you daughter. You can’t keep running.”

God was gently wooing me back to Him though I often felt like His stepchild.  In spite of my wrong perspective of Him, He reminded me I can’t run from Him because He will always find me.  I was running because I was hurt.  I was running because I was disillusioned.   I was exhausted.  Defeated.  Depressed. 

I wish I could say after hearing the song for the fifth time it clicked. It did not happen quite like that. But it DID happen! With most things in life, it was a process; a process which has brought me to this very moment.

Now it is my turn to pay it forward.  I want to be your Zac. Have you given up? Have you stopped dreaming? I am here to remind you to dream again!! Maybe like me you experienced deep hurt or disappointment. This does not have to be the end of your story! God is a healer. Don’t run from who you were created to be and more importantly, don’t run from the One who created you. Everything you need can be found in Him alone. I am a living witness. It all begins with a heart open to God. Open the Bible. God still speaks through it. Talk to Him, tell Him how you feel. He can handle it. If you are mad, tell Him that! If you are sad, tell Him that! The more time you spend with Him, the more your life changes, for the best.

If you were running like me, I hope this encourages you to stop.

Prayer:

Thank you Lord for loving me right where I am. Open my eyes to see myself the way you see me. Thank you for healing every broken area in my life because you are my Healer. Give me a spirit of wisdom and revelation that I may know You more. You alone are my refuge and I put my trust in You today. Thank you for giving me strength where I am weak and for leading me in Your truth. I pray these things in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Promises to stand on:

Psalm 147:3: He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 62:8: Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

 

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