A Page From My Book

As a child, I loved Madonna.  My friend had her greatest hits album, “The Immaculate Collection,” on tape. Yes, I said tape!  I was eight years old when it was released and listened to it constantly.  One of the songs on the album was called "Like A Virgin."  As a little girl, I would have never thought these lyrics would be so meaningful to me in my adult life.

Let me paint the picture for you.  At the age of thirteen, my virginity was taken without my permission.  I was raped by a guy who was older than me. In hindsight, I believe he preyed on my naivety.  I had no real understanding of what was happening. My idea of rape was being violently assaulted.  This is not how it played out for me but it was rape nonetheless.  My opportunity to choose who I would give myself to was stolen.  This experience was a catalyst to my sexually promiscuity.  I believed I was used goods and had no language to describe what I experienced.  I told no one about what happened for many years.

When I was fifteen, I met Jesus in a real way.  Everything changed.  In those days, I participated in a Purity Conference where we learned God’s point of view of sexuality and I made commitment to walk in purity.  It was a challenge to say the least.  I wish I could say from that day forward I kept my promise to God.  I did, for a while.  

During my senior year in High School, tragedy struck close to home.  My mom was diagnosed with cancer.  I watched her go through chemotherapy.  Life was slowly leaving her body.  She was so weak and I was so helpless.  I had not experienced anything so painful in my life.   I could not understand why God would allow this to happen to me.  In an effort to deal with my feelings I did what many of us have done.  Instead of running to God, I ran to something that would cause momentary pleasure in the midst of my present pain.  I ran to sex.    

My mother died shortly after I graduated High School.  I was so angry with God.  Life was meaningless. My mother, my hero, was gone forever.  My worst fear was realized.  How could a God that is supposed to love me allow my heart to shatter into a billion tiny pieces? 

I continued to use sex to numb my pain but it didn’t last for long.  There were times I would just cry because I felt so empty, so broken, so alone. To make matters worse, I was raped, again.  Like before, he was someone I knew.  I blamed myself.  I sunk into a deeper hole of despair. Initially, I told no one.  When I did speak up and tell a friend, she encouraged me to press charges. I wouldn’t because I did not want to deal with the shame. I didn't want to relive the moment.

In the midst of this whirlwind called my life, God never stopped pursuing me.  He kept loving me even though my heart was far from Him. He would speak to me through songs or people but I continued to run.  One day, in my college dorm room, I heard the audible voice of God.  I know some people are skeptical when reading statements like that but it is true.  That day, I turned back to Him and felt the embrace of a Heavenly Father.  I was like the prodigal daughter, coming home to a loving Dad. 

For years though, I was still plagued by the fact I had given myself away physically without discretion.  Not to mention, I was violated sexually which can leave a woman feeling worthless.  I lived in the shame and guilt of it all. I often wondered: Would a Godly man really want me? Used goods?  I struggled inwardly with these thoughts. I desired marriage.  But my heart broke because I knew on my wedding night, I would be giving my husband a gift that had already been opened. 

One night changed it all.  I was with a group of girlfriends at our weekly Bible study. The topic of sexual purity came up and I shared my heart.  These women gathered around me and we prayed God would restore my virginity, heal my deep wounds, and cleanse me from my past.  Even as I reflect on those precious moments, my eyes are filling up with tears. 

That night, as I laid in my bed, words from the Madonna song played in my mind over and over. "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time..."  I knew God answered our prayers.  It was overwhelming! He restored to me the gift of my virginity.  It was truly a miracle. 

I would be lying if I said it has been smooth sailing from that day on. However, by the grace of God, I have remained abstinent for over ten years.  I have had some close calls but in those moments, I am reminded of my immense value. I am reminded I am not used goods.  I am reminded I don’t have to give my body to gain love.  And most of all, I desire to honor God with my body.

I hope you were able to see the goodness and faithfulness of God through my words. Maybe you were like me and felt the sting of pain, guilt, and shame.  You don’t have to stay there.  God can heal you and restore you to a place of wholeness.  Maybe you experienced great loss as I did and are searching for answers.  I am convinced God knows what He is doing even when we don’t understand.  Even as I reflect on this part of my journey, I am so thankful for God’s healing and unconditional love.  I don’t know where or who I would be without it.